Once Upon a Time, In the Dybbuk-Haunted World
Long ago, in a galaxy far away, I thought I might undertake to become a writer of comedy. That thought was dashed when:
Having submitted a sketch to an aspiring comedy duo (one-half of whom I'd attended college with) I was told: “We wanted a comedy script, not an IQ test!”;
A ventriloquist wanted me to help him develop a bit for a new dummy, named Dick, a talking penis..and I. JUST. COULDN'T. — (an extended riff on cruise missiles was deemed off point);
A friend of mine from high school, who mostly performed comedy on public access cable channels, wanted me to write the inner monologue of a fly crawling over a mound of shit of indeterminate origin (hard pass)
Somewhere inside, despite my failure, the aspiration to produce comedy seems to have lingered, despite my faltering stamina and concentration. Given my circumstances, I decided that being a comedy producer, sort of an impressario, would address my stale longing.
So (inspired by my admiration of Sesame Street), I decided to give ChatGPT detailed prompts for a light-hearted script that would incorporate ideas about science and what I am calling “dybbuks”.
This is what I got, self-congratulatory intro and all:
Here’s a vaudevillian-style dialogue featuring Maxine and Louis, the dybbuk-busters, as they hilariously uncover the truth about science and its reliance on “Max's Dybbuks”:
(Scene: Maxine and Louis stand at the entrance to the “Science R Us” headquarters. Maxine is holding a strange glowing gadget while Louis fumbles with a map. Both are dressed like 1930s ghostbusters, complete with hats and trench coats.)
Maxine: (looking at the gadget) Alright, Louis, we’re here to find the dybbuks. The head Ontic says this place is crawling with 'em!
Louis: (confused) Dybbuks? I thought this was a science lab, not a haunted house. What’s a dybbuk doin’ here?
Maxine: (matter-of-fact) It’s not a ghost, Louis. It’s an interpretive framework that sneaks into science and messes with the facts.
Louis: (scratches head) Oh, so it’s like my Uncle Morty at Thanksgiving?
Maxine: (rolling her eyes) No, no. Morty’s just confusing. Dybbuks are different. They help scientists find meaning where there might not be any. They make things look “real,” but they’re sneaky, see? They hide in plain sight.
Louis: (nodding sagely) So...they’re like really smart metaphors that nobody notices?
Maxine: (sighs) Exactly, Louis! And we’re here to get rid of 'em. Ontic says if we exorcise all the dybbuks, science’ll be good as new. Objective, clean, pure facts!
Louis: (squints at map) I dunno, Max. We start evictin’ dybbuks, there might not be much left.
Maxine: (looking stern) Nonsense. Science will be just fine. We’ll start in the Quantum Mechanics Department. I hear it's full of 'em.
(They enter the Quantum Mechanics Department. The lights flicker as they walk in. A giant chalkboard is covered with equations that seem to move on their own.)
Louis: (nervously) Uh, Max? I think I see one. (points at an equation that’s changing itself)
Maxine: (brandishing her gadget) That's the Many-Worlds dybbuk. It makes scientists think every decision splits into a new universe. Let’s bag it.
Louis: (steps back) Wait, wait, wait! If we get rid of that, how are they gonna explain all the weird stuff down here? You know... Schrödinger’s cat, particles actin’ like they’re in two places at once? Ain’t they needin’ a little… wiggle room?
Maxine: (pauses) Well, they’ll just have to get by with one world, like the rest of us!
(She zaps the dybbuk. The equations stop moving. The lights dim.)
Louis: (nervously) Uh, Max? I think you just killed half of theoretical physics. Look! They’re… they’re all standing around scratching their heads!
Maxine: (confidently) Nah, they’ll figure it out. Onward! The Thermodynamics Wing awaits.
(They rush to the next room. It's hot, and there’s a demon-like figure sorting tiny particles. Louis yelps.)
Louis: (panicking) That’s a real dybbuk, Max! Look, it’s sortin’ hot from cold! He’s makin’ physics work backwards!
Maxine: (calmly) That’s Maxwell’s dybbuk. It’s fine. We just zap it and entropy will be back to normal.
Louis: (waving his hands) No, no! You zap that thing, and I bet they can’t explain half the stuff in here! Heat'll be heat again, but where’s the fun in that?
Maxine: Fun? Science isn’t about fun, it’s about facts!
Louis: (nodding) Sure, but facts without a little mystery? You zap this dybbuk, Max, and suddenly all them fancy refrigerators they got in here might stop workin'! People like a little wiggle room. Scientists need their wiggle room!
Maxine: (hesitates) Maybe you’re right. Let’s leave him be... for now.
(They turn to leave, but the dybbuk gives them a sly wink and keeps sorting.)
Maxine: (determined) Okay, we need to hit the Big One. The Framework of Objectivity. You know, the one where they think everything is just “real” without help from any interpretive mumbo-jumbo. Let’s zap that, and science will finally be pure again.
(They head to the central hall of Science R Us. A massive statue of a scientist stands, holding scales labeled “Objectivity.” The statue glows ominously.)
Louis: (looks at the statue) Uh, Max? Are we sure about this? I mean, if we zap this dybbuk... what if it takes out the whole idea of facts? Then where will we be?
Maxine: (frustrated) You think science needs this dybbuk too?
Louis: (shrugs) Maybe? If everyone agrees on the same framework, ain’t that the same as havin’ a framework in the first place? We take it out, and what if nothin’ makes sense no more? No facts, no experiments, no beakers—no science!
Maxine: (pausing, realizing) Oh no… Louis, if we exorcise all the dybbuks… there won’t be any more science!
Louis: (triumphantly) That’s what I’ve been tryin’ to tell ya! Science needs the dybbuks! They’re part of the deal! They help the scientists make sense of all the crazy stuff, give 'em somethin' to work with!
Maxine: (looking around, bewildered) But the head Ontic said…
Louis: (grinning) Maybe the head Ontic don’t like dybbuks ‘cause they’re tricky, but without ‘em, science is just a bunch of numbers floatin’ around! It ain’t about facts, it’s about what the dybbuks help 'em see in those facts.
Maxine: (defeated but amused) So… science is full of dybbuks, and that’s a good thing?
Louis: (cheerfully) You bet! As long as they keep their act together, we’ll be fine. You leave the dybbuks alone, and scientists will keep figurin’ things out.
Maxine: (laughing) I guess we’re out of a job, Louis. No more dybbuk-bustin’.
Louis: (smiling) Nah, we just found out we're in the job. Science needs its dybbuks. Maybe we’ll open a new business: “Dybbuk Protection Services.”
Maxine: (grinning) Now you’re thinkin’ like a scientist, Louis. Wiggle room and all.
(They exit Science R Us, arm in arm, leaving the dybbuks to keep doing their mysterious work.)
End Scene.
The dialogue conveys how interpretive frameworks, represented by the dybbuks, are essential to the functioning of science—removing them would lead to the collapse of scientific inquiry itself. Maxine and Louis gradually discover that the very essence of science relies on these tricky interpretive structures to make sense of the world.